Q&As Tagged Questions

Response from Men's Sexual Health:

It sounds like a big part of the problem between you and your husband is communicating with each other. The longer your situation continues when you are trying to be intimate, the more difficult it will be to address. It may seem hard for you to sit down and speak with your husband about these sensitive issues, but that is the best chance to work through your problem. It is not uncommon for couples to experience sexual problems, and for both people to get frustrated. If the two of you can start talking about what is happening, you can try to come up with solutions, together. If you find it too difficult to speak with him alone, there are professionals who can help you. Please feel free to contact us for more help with this matter: 01380-801951

Answered by team member Mara
22nd March 2011

Response from Men's Sexual Health:

This is a difficult question. There are quite a few men who get a "post ejaculation syndrome" which can take several forms from severe headache, pain in the testicles, muscle pains, to guilt, depression and extreme lethargy. We don’t really understand why it happens, but it is thought to be a mix of physical hormonal causes and psychological ones. Although it can be very distressing, it is not serious in a physical sense.

I don’t know of any definite treatment for your boyfriend’s problem, but often with this type of thing it pays to explore it sensitively with a professional. Your local family planning/sexual health clinic maybe able to help.

Probably the most important thing you can do is to talk freely about it and let him know that you are supportive. Either partner in a relationship may have a problem and feel guilty or inadequate. They will usually benefit from being able to explore it openly and non-judgmentally. We can’t all be Superman in bed – perhaps you might ask him if he would like to do some thing(s) for you which avoids getting an erection himself?

Answered by team member Dr Peter
8th December 2015

Response from Men's Sexual Health:

After going through a difficult time like the one you have described, it is no wonder why you have a decreased libido. Mood and self esteem can have a big impact on a person's sex drive. It is common for people who are suffering depression to also have a lack of interest in sex (not that the implication is that you are depressed, but having gone through what you describe, that may be part of the issue). We cannot advise any kind of herbal supplements, as there are no proven successes. Viagra will work to give an erection, but will not increase your desire or interest in sex and would not be recommended as a real solution. Excercise can be a powerful tool, as it increases the libido for a number of reasons: 1) It gets the the heart beating and blood flowing to all parts of your body, including your sexual organs.

2) Your body should experience hormonal changes through exercise, including the production of 'feel good' endorphins, that can help increase the libido.

3) Excercise can increase self confidence, again, enhancing your sex drive.

Try to get out in this great weather we've been having, get some exercise and see if it helps you at all. If you'd like to speak to someone, please give us a ring: 01793 250951.

Answered by team member Mara
6th May 2011

Response from Men's Sexual Health:

Hey well done for putting all that down in writing! Sometimes just doing that can start you down the road to sorting things out. Its really helpful to me when trying to advise you too.

If we leave aside the personal details, the problem seems to boil down to:

• no early experience masturbating



• spontaneous nocturnal emissions (I think you are describing “wet dreams”?)



• early closeted gay experiences which you associate with guilt and risk



• a partner you have invested your emotional capital in and can't satisfy because you lose your erection



• the guy who you fancy is actually giving you a message that he wants you to perform sexually and that he doesn't want an emotional attachment

Some of the words you use are interesting:

• “what am I doing wrong?”



• “He keeps asking me to cum”



• “I'm worried that psychologically I'm still thinking it's a naughty secret.”

Stop and reflect. 

Why do you think you are doing anything wrong? You have started with limited sexual experience, and as it happens you rarely masturbate. We all get sexual satisfaction in different ways, but trying to conform to someone else's idea of normal isn't the best way to change what works best for you. It is a two way process and I am not hearing what your partner is trying to do for you to make it fun for you rather than what he wants to see – presumably your cum when being sucked, wanking or whatever. 

You have a guy who is already saying that he isn't looking for something long term or emotionally meaningful. Yet your own feelings seem to be rather more – is sounds as if you are saying that you want to try to keep him and build a relationship and that your sexual performance is getting in the way of it, making him feel you don't fancy him. Do you think that a successful relationship can only develop if  you are  great in bed and conform to what he wants sexually? Surely a good relationship should include each of you helping the other, yet it sounds from what you say that you are chasing and he is mainly into a no strings sexual relationship where you do the things that he likes and wants.

You are worried about your limited past sexual experience. Probably most gay men have started out in secret – we tend to reveal our sexual orientation after private experimentation, and indeed some guys get a huge thrill out of the secrecy and the risk of being discovered. Moving from the secret world to being openly gay (coming out) is easy for some but hard for others and despite big social changes some guys still feel guilt about it. But if you enjoyed early secret experimentation, why do you think it might now be a guilty secret with a man who you are having a relationship with? Might the fear be more that you are worried that the relationship is at risk? Anxiety is a very potent cause for losing an erection, but from what you have said it sounds more as if you are anxious about losing him rather than about the “naughty sex act” aspect of it. 

Obviously in a single reply like this we can't sort your problem out at a stroke (pardon the pun) but it sounds as if this is something that can be helped a lot by a discussion with a professional. If you are Glasgow based, there are certainly free NHS services available to give this help at the Sandyford Centre.

Answered by team member Dr Peter
9th January 2016

Response from Men's Sexual Health:

Hi! Thanks for your question. We take the concerns of people here seriously, so if something is worrying you, we will try our best to give a helpful, constructive answer. A person's sex drive, also known as 'libido' will vary throughout life. It is normal to experience in increased sexual appetite, as well as a decreased desire, or even lack of it at other times. Sex drive can be influenced by mental state, age, health, emotion, stress... The list can go on and on. As long as you aren't having any problems living a normal life, an increased desire for sex shouldn't be a real cause for worry. However, if your sexual needs are taking over your life, causing problems with work/school, family or friends, then you should speak with someone. If you feel this is the case, please give us a call, and we will see if we can help: 01380 801951.

Answered by team member Mara
4th November 2010

Response from Men's Sexual Health:

It's clear the loss of your libido is worrying you, and that isn't making your situation any better. As you know your night time erection percentages and testosterone levels, is it safe to think you have already visited your GP about this problem? If you haven't, then please book an appointemnt with your GP. It seems that you have done that and there is no medical dignosis for what is happening. It sounds like this is a normal part of the aging process. The loss of sexual desire can be difficult to cope with, but is entirely normal as you get older. If you'd like to talk about this, in confidence, please give us a ring: 01380 801 951.

Answered by team member Mara
8th February 2011

Response from Men's Sexual Health:

Hi, from your message it's clear you need to get checked out for clamydia if for no other reason that to put your mind at rest. Go to your local STD / STI / sexual health clinic (if you're in the UK you can find your closest clinic by following this link) where they will test you and treat you if you have it. If you are in UK you might be able to get a home testing kit with follow-up support.

The general advice seems to be to test each year or change of sexual partner, which would indicate that serious infertility issues take longer to emerge. As you say it has been more than a year you really should get tested.

Impotency does not seem to be associated with chlamydia and it may instead be caused by your worrying: so get tested and treated if necessary, and this will probably help with your libido issues too. Remember also the other things that can affect libido, like smoking, diet, exercise, stress, alcohol and medication. A healthy body helps build a healthy sex life. 

Answered by team member Douglas
25th January 2016