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Tearing Me Apart

Hey MSH! Apologies for the novel you're about to endure but I'm really stuck and this is tearing away at me. I'd love to see what you think; Here's the setup; I hardly ever masturbate. In fact I don't do it at all. For some reason when everyone else was starting I just never latched on (hehe). I've tried it but I just find it quite boring and laborious. That means that I've never made myself cum. It's always been during the night when it's happened. I've never had control over it. I'm currently working in Belfast for 4 months and there's a guy over here I've been seeing since I got here (start of April) I won't bore you with "we get on great" you get the idea. He knows my situation and knows that no matter what happens eventually I'll be leaving to go back to Glasgow. He's said that he won't fall in love because he knows he'll get hurt in the long run. Closer than friends. I really like him though, and he says he really likes me. He's stayed over a few times and we've tried to have sex. Every time it's a disaster. First time I was nervous but I'm worried something's up. I get horny, get hard and then shortly after it goes limp. Its f*cking embarrassing. He keeps asking me to cum but the minute my dick goes limp I can't get it going again. You've no idea how embarrassing it is to say "can we just stop and chill." He's finished on me plenty of times but I can't do it back. Aaaaargh! What am I doing wrong? I only came out recently and I did a bit of secret experimentation in my student days. It was a naughty, secret pact between me and the person. I'm worried that psychologically I'm still thinking it's a naughty secret. Nerves are fine but my bottle keeps crashing. We chatted about whether we were boyfriend material but he says because I can't get hard it means that although I like him and want to be with him, the making love/f*cking part isn't there and he's convinced I don't fancy him that way. He thinks alI want is cuddles and chat. That's not true though. I don't know what's wrong with me and why my body can't function like any other. I'm sorry I'm barfing this up at you; I had to tell someone, any idea what I can do to fix this?

Asked by CP
8th May 2014 (in Health)

Tags: horny penis ejaculation erection masturbation gay

Response from Men's Sexual Health:

Hey well done for putting all that down in writing! Sometimes just doing that can start you down the road to sorting things out. Its really helpful to me when trying to advise you too.

If we leave aside the personal details, the problem seems to boil down to:

  • no early experience masturbating

  • spontaneous nocturnal emissions (I think you are describing “wet dreams”?)

  • early closeted gay experiences which you associate with guilt and risk

  • a partner you have invested your emotional capital in and can't satisfy because you lose your erection

  • the guy who you fancy is actually giving you a message that he wants you to perform sexually and that he doesn't want an emotional attachment

Some of the words you use are interesting:

  • “what am I doing wrong?”

  • “He keeps asking me to cum”

  • “I'm worried that psychologically I'm still thinking it's a naughty secret.”

Stop and reflect. 

Why do you think you are doing anything wrong? You have started with limited sexual experience, and as it happens you rarely masturbate. We all get sexual satisfaction in different ways, but trying to conform to someone else's idea of normal isn't the best way to change what works best for you. It is a two way process and I am not hearing what your partner is trying to do for you to make it fun for you rather than what he wants to see – presumably your cum when being sucked, wanking or whatever. 

You have a guy who is already saying that he isn't looking for something long term or emotionally meaningful. Yet your own feelings seem to be rather more – is sounds as if you are saying that you want to try to keep him and build a relationship and that your sexual performance is getting in the way of it, making him feel you don't fancy him. Do you think that a successful relationship can only develop if  you are  great in bed and conform to what he wants sexually? Surely a good relationship should include each of you helping the other, yet it sounds from what you say that you are chasing and he is mainly into a no strings sexual relationship where you do the things that he likes and wants.

You are worried about your limited past sexual experience. Probably most gay men have started out in secret – we tend to reveal our sexual orientation after private experimentation, and indeed some guys get a huge thrill out of the secrecy and the risk of being discovered. Moving from the secret world to being openly gay (coming out) is easy for some but hard for others and despite big social changes some guys still feel guilt about it. But if you enjoyed early secret experimentation, why do you think it might now be a guilty secret with a man who you are having a relationship with? Might the fear be more that you are worried that the relationship is at risk? Anxiety is a very potent cause for losing an erection, but from what you have said it sounds more as if you are anxious about losing him rather than about the “naughty sex act” aspect of it. 

Obviously in a single reply like this we can't sort your problem out at a stroke (pardon the pun) but it sounds as if this is something that can be helped a lot by a discussion with a professional. If you are Glasgow based, there are certainly free NHS services available to give this help at the Sandyford Centre.

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Answered by team member Dr Peter
9th January 2016

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