Hi. I am a gay guy and I have been dating with my BF more than a year. Until 3 months ago I had always been bottom in my life, but recently I became versatile. The problem is my penis gets very soft when I try to have anal sex with him, the moment it touches his anu it gets very soft, which hurts him so much and makes me very mad :( It sometimes works and we can have regular sex but for the 4 weeks I cant be top :( when I hug him, he touches my dick and he sucks it, or I become bottom in bed my penis gets very hard, but not when I try to become top :( I am so worried that he might lose his interest and look for somebody else, which he mentioned last night that worried me a lot, cos I love him so much, so does he. So please I need an urgent solution to overcome this issue and to have regular sex life with my lover. Thanx
Asked by Caliente
10th March 2012 (in Health)
Response from Men's Sexual Health:
Hi, thank you for posting your question. The role's of Top (active) and Bottom (passive) in a relationship are differnt for each couple and for each person, there is no correct role to play, other than the role you are comfortable with yourself, you should never feel pressured to fit into a role you do not feel 100% comfortable with. Some men are 100% top and will never want to bottom and this can be for many reasons, each man with have his own answer, the same goes for some men who are 100% bottom. However some men are also versitile and will do either, you may also find men who will put it into a percentage when asked about their role saying "I'm 70% top, and 30% bottom" so guy who generally prefers to top than bottom, but is willing to bottom when he wants to. Also however, some, not all, will change roles as they get older, this could be because they acquire a new partner who is a differnt role, or because they want to experiment. For those that do try a different role, some will enjoy it and become versitile, and some will not enjoy and stick to the role than had before. Ultimately everyone is an individual and will chose their own role, and this could change over the course of the years, but not always. From what you have said, it sounds like you are finding it difficult to top, this could be for many reasons, but it sounds mainly psychological, you for whatever reason do not feel comfortable taking on that role. You should find a time, not during sex, to sit down with your partner and discus this issue, he should understand your concerns and uncertainty and acknowledge the role you are most comfortable with, you should never feel pressure to peform a role you are not happy to do, explain this to him and hopefully he will understand. Over time, you may feel for willing and wanting to try and top, but you may not as this is not a negative thing. If you partner is wanting to bottom and you are not keen to top then maybe suggest introducing some sex toys into the relationship, purchasing a dildo could fufil that desire your partner has. I hope he understands, and you can go on to have a healthy safe sex life. Feel free to get back in touch if you have any further comments or questions.
0 1Answered by team member Matt
15th March 2012
Other similar questions
Sex help
alpha on 18th Jul 2013 (1 response)
Cum quickly
Zik on 25th Aug 2013 (1 response)
Tearing Me Apart
CP on 8th May 2014 (1 response)
Pre ejaculation during arousal
Rhys Stephenson on 21st Mar 2015 (1 response)
Involuntary / spontaneous orgasms
Adrian on 20th Mar 2016 (1 response)
Someone tuch my pain I lose my sperm quickly
Sumit on 19th Aug 2016 (1 response)
Erection Problems
Deb on 29th Jun 2009 (2 responses)
White hard spots on testicle area sum big sum small
lee on 11th Jan 2010 (1 response)
Foreskin
on 11th Jan 2011 (1 response)
Bumps of smegma
on 7th Feb 2011 (1 response)
Top questions
Gelatine lumps in semen Ricky on 10th Jun 2009 (18 responses)
Penis is not stand Srikant on 29th Oct 2013 (8 responses)
Penis goes soft mr hash on 10th Jun 2009 (2 responses)
Spontaneous ejaculation Dave on 10th Jun 2009 (11 responses)
How to stop pre-ejaculation/water like sticky staff while chatting with girlfriend John on 5th Dec 2010 (1 response)
Leaking pre cum on 10th Jun 2009 (3 responses)
Pre cum and losing erection Adam on 9th Sep 2013 (1 response)
I'm worried about my penis head and foreskin. Brad on 10th Jun 2009 (1 response)
Cum is like water kumar on 8th Jan 2013 (1 response)
How to stop precum datissab on 4th Jun 2013 (3 responses)