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My penis gets soft

Hi. I am a gay guy and I have been dating with my BF more than a year. Until 3 months ago I had always been bottom in my life, but recently I became versatile. The problem is my penis gets very soft when I try to have anal sex with him, the moment it touches his anu it gets very soft, which hurts him so much and makes me very mad :( It sometimes works and we can have regular sex but for the 4 weeks I cant be top :( when I hug him, he touches my dick and he sucks it, or I become bottom in bed my penis gets very hard, but not when I try to become top :( I am so worried that he might lose his interest and look for somebody else, which he mentioned last night that worried me a lot, cos I love him so much, so does he. So please I need an urgent solution to overcome this issue and to have regular sex life with my lover. Thanx

Asked by Caliente
10th March 2012 (in Health)

Tags: penis erection gay

Response from Men's Sexual Health:

Hi, thank you for posting your question. The role's of Top (active) and Bottom (passive) in a relationship are differnt for each couple and for each person, there is no correct role to play, other than the role you are comfortable with yourself, you should never feel pressured to fit into a role you do not feel 100% comfortable with. Some men are 100% top and will never want to bottom and this can be for many reasons, each man with have his own answer, the same goes for some men who are 100% bottom. However some men are also versitile and will do either, you may also find men who will put it into a percentage when asked about their role saying "I'm 70% top, and 30% bottom" so guy who generally prefers to top than bottom, but is willing to bottom when he wants to. Also however, some, not all, will change roles as they get older, this could be because they acquire a new partner who is a differnt role, or because they want to experiment. For those that do try a different role, some will enjoy it and become versitile, and some will not enjoy and stick to the role than had before. Ultimately everyone is an individual and will chose their own role, and this could change over the course of the years, but not always. From what you have said, it sounds like you are finding it difficult to top, this could be for many reasons, but it sounds mainly psychological, you for whatever reason do not feel comfortable taking on that role. You should find a time, not during sex, to sit down with your partner and discus this issue, he should understand your concerns and uncertainty and acknowledge the role you are most comfortable with, you should never feel pressure to peform a role you are not happy to do, explain this to him and hopefully he will understand. Over time, you may feel for willing and wanting to try and top, but you may not as this is not a negative thing. If you partner is wanting to bottom and you are not keen to top then maybe suggest introducing some sex toys into the relationship, purchasing a dildo could fufil that desire your partner has. I hope he understands, and you can go on to have a healthy safe sex life. Feel free to get back in touch if you have any further comments or questions.

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Answered by team member Matt
15th March 2012

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